HEALTH is a given, a gift, a natural state. Human cells were made, and continue to be replicated every day, every hour, every second, every millisecond. They are little mirrors that continue to REFLECT one another, encouraging and activating each other to BE in existence, in the IMAGE of each other. A divine design by God, this is a SYSTEM that works without error.

DISEASE is also a given, a common experience of the HUMAN condition. Diseased cells continue to REPLICATE one another, day after day, year after year, lifetime after lifetime through the generational line held in our DNA continually REPLICATING in the image of one another, a divine design by God, a SYSTEM that works without error.

I’ve just spoken two opposing versions of a “truth” and yet my statements directly contradict each other. Or do they?

GOD, divine intelligence, the big band, however you want to reference existence, IS a SYSTEM. Within that system, we have been granted the gift of FREE WILL. We are free to experience and express whatever condition we choose, be it health OR illness. The real issue on the table here is actually about ALIGNMENT.

Am I a soul who chooses to align with the DIVINITY of who I am in a BALANCED and WHOLE state?
Do I feel MORE “myself” in my alignment with DISEASE and ILLNESS?

Where is my personality most comfortable in RELATION to who I believe and therefore know myself to be?

My mother is a good woman. I’m lucky to have her. She was also the family RUNT. Underweight at a featherlight 40kg as an adult wearing size 6 clothing and never participating in school sports, she also dodged household cleaning duties as a child by hiding in the outdoor dunny reading romance novels. She believed there was something wrong with her heart, and that she could never get enough oxygen. Exercise has never been on her agenda.

I am very different to my mother. Strong, solid, muscular, with a much taller and broader frame, I loved sports at school and was hugely competitive. I’d play to win so I usually organised the best athletes in the school together and placed myself around them. Then I’d allocate the captain. Yet on some subtle level, I was the captain because the teams were MY creation. I was not the best athlete, just the best organiser and producer of the event. And there were many winning trophies!

I’ve shared before about my journey with chronic fatigue which began at age 26. It found me right before my Saturn return. I became a shadow of my childhood years and carried the energy of victim well during these more difficult times. Every day felt like I had a rucksack of 40kg of bricks on my back. My sheer wilfulness to not give up on my life was equally met with the weight of the bricks. If I pushed harder, the load became heavier, kind of like a great racehorse with a predetermined handicap in her saddle.

While I shed most of the contents of that rucksack, the pattern of fatigue and exhaustion had not yet left me entirely. One day I walked past a shop window and spontaneously glanced at my reflection. My heart almost stopped. I saw a woman whose back was hunched over, head forward as if head-butting her way through life. I saw not me, but my mother. All of the preconscious beliefs, mindsets and attitudes of my mother were now being held and manifested in the physical form of MY BODY. I had taken on her physicality! In my stressed-out and victimised state I had also adopted the MINDSET of my mother which included statements like:

1. You just get fatter as you get older.
2. You can’t have as much energy as you had in your youth.
3. Everybody is unwell and you are no different.
4. You just need more rest.

Notice how depersonalised these statements are. I normally use “I” statements but this is how my mother speaks.

The fright was so great that it forced me into confronting this “thing” that was attempting to hijack my life. I recalibrated and reclaimed MY beliefs about health. And this is what I know for sure to be true:

1. I am an eternal being; my spirit cannot die.
2. My cells constantly respond to my environment and all I need is to be a catalyst to change them.
3. I am what I eat.
4. Most illness is emotionally related therefore healing is not only possible, but probable.

Then I went to three separate practitioners: a spiritual listener, a kinesiologist and a reiki practitioner. I asked them all the same question: What is driving my health issues?
Is it:
1. Physical? Do I Have some sort of diagnosable “condition” like a thyroid issue or cancer?
2. Mental? Are my beliefs about myself keeping me unwell?
3. Spiritual? Am I out of alignment with my soul?
4. Emotional? Do I still need to resolve something? Being an empath, I even wondered if I was carrying around some sort of collective pain in my emotional rucksack.

All three practitioners confirmed the same thing. My EMOTIONAL quadrant needed attention! And that is what I also believed at the outset.

Letting go
So what was this elusive emotional wound that only served to add weight to my rucksack? The answers came, but not from my knowing.

PRAYER was needed in order to penetrate my unconscious. I prayed for clarity, for understanding and for healing. And like magic, one day I could just FEEL the emotional entanglement that I had with my mother. At first I felt a bit smothered, and that feeling moved into anger after a month.

Practical things were needed to support our relationship such as boundaries. I had to ask her for time and space to process my feelings because they were just so INTENSE! At times, she struggled. At times, she believed I was abandoning her. At other times she became angry. But I could not undo what was happening on a soul level. We were untangling whether she liked it or not.

I asked her to trust the process and that all would be well in time.

Ironically, the moment she let go of control and resistance was the moment I no longer needed to maintain my boundary with her. The whole process took about eight months.

Essentially, the process was ME feeling my own feelings about the nature of my relationship with my mother. I learned that I felt RESPONSIBLE for her and because of this I took emotional care of her. I also felt guilty if I did not call her back and support her. And so, I sat with these feelings and resisted falling into my “pattern”. I felt ANGRY when I believed she was disrespecting my space and I felt SAD that this process was even happening at all because historically we have had a good relationship.

The journey of reclaiming my health and giving back what is not mine to carry has well and truly started. It has taken me through an amazing process of education, awareness and self-realisation.

I have found enough confidence to clearly state that I am “handling” this story and no longer feel like a victim to the elusive mysteries of health and physical illness. In fact, I move toward more and more physical alignment with each step I take as I CONSCIOUSLY walk. This is my mantra. It’s about presence and staying connected to my OWN body. Walking is my meditation. The slower the better.

The relief has also come from the UNDERSTANDING that I needed to let go and surrender at a time when I was faced with a LACK OF UNDERSTANDING.

In other words, I had to bow down to that which I did not know and pray for change. I had a vision of who I wanted to be which was healthy, aligned and fit. But that’s about all I had.

BE WELL if that is what you are choosing.
BE AWARE of what does not belong to you.
BE PREPARED to feel through some uncomfortable feelings as you witness them move out of your system.
BE ALIGNED to your own truth and choices of HOW you want to live and WHO you are choosing to be.
I CHOSE to be ME.
I’m good with that.

Even if it Costs Me My Life by Stephan Hausner

The greater soul moves in only one direction, and that is to be into union that which has been made separate.
Bert Hellinger 

There are two forces playing on us all the time. One is the force of love, generativity, healing. The other is the force of regression, distortion and attachment through loyalty to the family system.
Stephan Hausner 

The criterion for what is good is based on whether it relieves someone, brings joy or soothes distress.
Bert Hellinger 

A shift in understanding allows love to flow easily and sometimes restoratively.