Mother: our primary attachment
Our first human experience is with our mother. Whether we are male or female, our primary attachment to this plane of existence is a biological one, direct from your umbilical cord to mother’s womb. There is just no getting around that fact. Her GIFT to us is the gift of LIFE. Without her, there would have been no you. She gave birth to you and this order can never be changed. She is the BIG one and you are the LITTLE one.

After we were born, our mother’s role became a routine of full-time nurturing: making sure we had enough food to sustain growth, providing warmth and hygiene for our tiny little bodies, and giving emotional nourishment through connection and holding. The process continued until we became self-sufficient and independent adults.

Belonging to any social group ensures our survival. The instinct to BELONG is deeply ingrained through culture way back to primitive, nomadic times. A child wants nothing more than to belong to mother because she was our FIRST connection. Mothers come first; fathers second. This BELONGING will also ensure that our very deep and instinctual NEED for SAFETY and SURVIVAL is being met. We know our position in the family, tribe and community with our FIRST place alongside mother.

As children, we can NEVER truly repay what has been offered to us. And it may feel, especially for young or struggling mothers, that the parent/child relationship is at times out of balance when it comes to giving and receiving, and from a Family Constellation perspective, IT IS! Parents give and children receive. And this is the DIVINE ORDER of mother/child relationships.

The order of love
God gives to man;
Father receives from God/gives to mother;
Mother receives from father/gives to children;
Children receive from mother/give to pets;
Eventually children become adults and the process starts again.

The unconscious urge for balance
Because of the profundity of what our mothers did for us, all children carry a deep and loyal commitment to GIVE BACK to our mothers at all costs. But what can possibly be given back that would allow a balance for the gift of life? RECEIVING the gift of life creates an URGE to give back something of equal value. However, no child can EVER do this because our mothers are our mothers and we are their children. This is the DIVINE ORDER of love.

So, very innocently, as children we attempt to carry the burden of our mother’s suffering in our unconscious need for balance. But the problem with this is that we have now placed OURSELVES in the parental role instead of taking our rightful place as children. Parents NEED to give and children NEED to receive. Placing ourselves in the giving role with our mothers turns the whole relationship upside down and love cannot flow through this system.

Another attempt at balancing the mother/child dynamic is to become angry at our mothers. Because we can NEVER repay what has been given, feelings of GUILT and therefore entrapment can be experienced. So, anger is a way where we can unconsciously deal with these difficult and sometimes confusing emotions. It is an attempt deny the bond of love we NATURALLY have with our mothers in order to assert our independence in the world.

CORDAL: An energetic streamer attachment that is DENIED. Just as love is binding, so is ANGER.

What is/was your bonding pattern with your mother?

1. Being angry as an assertion of independence and freedom.
2. Trying to DO everything for them. To save or rescue while attempting to take emotional responsibility.

Perhaps it was a mixture of both at different times. In BOTH ways the child remains bonded without being able to truly cut the cords of entanglement.

What to do?
I know of no other KEY to freedom greater than the mystery of GIVING THANKS. In tribal communities, ceremonies were held in order to honour the child/adult transition. Mothers were honoured with reverence for their role as nurturers and protectors. They also knew it was their duty to feel the loss and pain in their own heart when, in this case, the boys became INITIATED into manhood and left the mother’s nurturing care to go and hunt, explore, dance and play with the men.

In order to DISENTANGLE and therefore SEPARATE from anyone, thing, situation or event we need to give thanks and honour the attachment. For in the acknowledgement comes acceptance and in the acceptance of WHAT IS, the soul BREATHES OUT and attachment dissolves.

Once we have acknowledged our mother’s profoundly loving role in our lives, the GIFT can be identified. And in our mother’s case this will always be the GIFT OF LIFE. A deep process of GRATITUDE and APPRECIATION will restore balance and order to this most sacred relationship. Kneel to her! Yes, seriously. Because if you can value what was given, the value of life from each moment forward will be ILLUMINATED.

In bowing to the reverence of the love that was offered to us by our mothers we can disentangle from anything that was toxic or unloving. We can let go. And future adult relationships will finally have the freedom to flow because both the WOUND and the LOVE of the mother will be where it needs to be, and that is with HER.

Where are you in relation to your biological mother? What do you feel? Are there still resentments, grievances, or judgements being held? Be honest.

Understanding the uselessness of trying to take on another person’s suffering is a major step from blind love to a more conscious form of love.
Svagito Liebermeister

Dear Mother, You gave me life and I thank you. I thank you for all you did for me. I acknowledge what pain you had in your life and I leave that with you now.

A note about gender of “mother”: research shows that whatever gender our parents have, the primary parent functions as the “mother” (this person could be a man) and fosters our relationship with ourselves. The secondary parent functions as the “father” (this person could be a woman) and fosters our expectations of relationships with the world.
From Your Resonant Self Sarah Peyton

Every child has the magical idea that he can relieve his parents of suffering thinking that if he suffers, his parents will suffer less. But the outcome is always the same. Rather than reducing the pain to half, the pain is doubled.
Svagito Liebermeister

The underlying need to balance acts done within a family system is a principle of collective consciousness, otherwise known as the LAW of BALANCE.

People who remain angry with their parents and want something different from them live in a state of hope rather than acceptance, with an undercurrent of neediness and expectation.
Svagito Liebermeister

From the perspective of the sacred order, there is only one way to be at peace with myself. To sincerely honour the parents that I have.
Svagito Liebermeister

Researcher Moshe Szyf says that our mother is in every cell of our pre-frontal cortex. This means that people who have grown up with a traumatised mother have the responsibility of transforming their internalised original mother into one who is warm, understanding and resonant in order to support long-term health and wellbeing.
Sarah Peyton: Your Resonant Self